God Is Using Me?

"Can't you tell? You are a light to those around you! You're like a tower of strength around here."

I hear her words above the clamour of the warehouse.
"But if you only knew how weak I am though. I have my moments! My life would be such a mess if I didn't have God though, honestly. God is the light in my life, and if I in turn shine any light it is only God using me!"
All I can say.

"But surely you can see that God is using you?"

I mumble something. I'm not sure if I can see it...
I'm forever afraid my smiling and kind front might be something like the "whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness." which Jesus talks about in Matthew 23. Too often I struggle to consistently pray or read my Bible. Too often my own desires become the priority in my heart. Too often I fail God... Too often to be used, surely.

But her words give me hope. Her words make me glad. To have made some difference, any difference for good?

I am so glad.

I know it is God who has given me this job, it is He who has given me the strength to do well at this job, it is He who has given me the opportunity to make so many friends of my coworkers, it is He who worked out the confusing mess of my schedules (because I wouldn't work on Sundays) and allowed me to be hired full-time now and at the location five minutes from my house.

God is good. All I can say.

Humbled. All I can be.

God Gives A Song

Christmas lights outside and all over this world sparkle, glisten, sing their own song. And I like to light my little peppermint candle sometimes to remind myself that I too have a song. I like to pause and stare at the snowflakes outside the windows here and there because I too have a song. I like to smile big and laugh and love because I too have a song.

My song is a song of a wretched turn of events and a life going far different than I wished it would and more hurt than I ever hoped to feel... But a song, yes, is what I find in all this. For my hurt, my confusion, my wretchedness is here from God and working for my benefit continually in spite of my 38,359,472+ failures. My song is a song of God. Of lessons taught me, of lessons I'm learning, and will learn.

I thank God for the light He brings, because I am finally feeling it this Christmas. I have a song. Not because everything in life is going my way. Or I will ever get exactly what I seem to want right now. But because, no matter what happens, regardless of all my petty, human wishes.... God is good, life is good. As long as He blesses, life is good. I just need to learn to recognize and bask in the blessings of God instead of focusing and looking for this world's stupid counterfeits.

I will seek God's pleasure. and from this moment forward, as long as God is pleased with me and who I am and what I do... the rest of everybody's opinions and judgments don't matter a mite. not even a tiny bit.

I know I'll be judged.... I'll always be judged. And that can hurt, and that's why I must look away and live a confident and happy life of seeking the only approval that matters at all.

My God, my Father, my Saviour loves me! 
Hang human opinions!

"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me. In God will I praise his word: in the Lord will I praise his word. In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me."
Psalm 56:8-11

"Shew me a token for good; that they which hate me may see it, and be ashamed: because thou, Lord, hast holpen me, and comforted me."
Psalm 86:17

A Poem That Doesn't Rhyme About Imperfection.

Why strive we so?
Why make we perfection our aim?

In a world of inevitable
mitigation to every joy
Perfection endlessly sacrificed
at the altar of reality

Never light
unless in it's embrace
darkness will cower

Never joy
but after the laughter
tears find cause for
realization

Never silence
but sounds clinging
to the air
from somewhere
sometime

Never love
but hate coiled
growing from the hurt
the very love produced

Inconsequential Circumstances.

"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Mark 8:36-37

"Problems don't hinder the will of God, they are the will of God."

I won't be able to attend college this year, and that hurts a lot.

But if I was at college right now I would loose my soul. I would loose God. I "wouldn't need Him". 

The only reason college was ever good to me was because I sought Christ there. So if He was the reason college life was good, He will be the reason home life will be good. Wherever I find Him, that is the place to be. 

Renae, if you've told yourself this once, you've told yourself a million times;

Joy is not found in circumstances! It's your heart in spite of circumstances! 

It is having God in spite of circumstances! 

If you loose this truth, you've lost your life. 

It's time to live again what you have always believed. 

Happiness.

There's a sort of happiness that just comes. A brilliant sunshine that shines and shines and stays of it's own accord. You needn't try, you needn't strive, you don't even have to think about it. Every thought is simply happy, every heart beat the rhythm of a song almost spilling out of you. (Which outbursts you only pacify by contenting yourself with smiling.)

There's a sort of happiness that is well-earned. Worked-for and well-earned. When life seems dull or it's sort of easy to fall under the spell of mediocrity and a boring disposition. This happiness is the flower that blooms in spite of such things. blossoming out of the chosen smile, the happy things you make out of life and the stars your own hands embroider above your path.

I find neither of these now. Only a fickle happiness that finds me and looses me as it will. I am at the mercy of it's whims. Laughter and fun my companions for one moment, maybe an hour. Heart ache and tears my companions the next. I cannot predict. I cannot understand. I only know when you, my friend happiness, let go a moment... I fall with no power to pick myself up. My capricious saviour from my empty life; when you leave my heart I have nothing left.

Joy is a better thing than happiness, granted. But joy cannot replace the levity which happiness brings.

Happiness, perhaps someday you will bring back your consistent sunshine.

I miss you.

Present, Past, Future. (my soul strung between)

I am at a teeter tottering place in life right now. In the present, yet with all my soul in the future. Content, yet very dissatisfied. Missing nothing in my life, missing my whole world. I am very pleased with my consistency and discipline, I am ashamed of my lazyness and lethargy.

I am constantly impatient. In a phase of life I'd rather not endure, and would gladly snap my fingers and be done with, if I could. I want the future, I want the past back. And yet, even as I grasp what now I hold in my hands it is slipping through my fingers to no where.

What I feel to be entangling and imprisoning me will very quickly vanish from my life. I know. And I will be left wishing I had done more savouring, more dwelling, more cherishing of this part of me, of who I could be, that I've neglected so long.

You forget what diamonds some people are, as distance and time makes them into a face you must struggle to recognize.

You forget the thrill of a wind, a bird, a spray of sun and cloud. The exquisiteness of solitude and facing your soul in a mirror of words. I like my own company.


So yes... Time? Fly on! I'd have it so. My future gleams brightly still on that horizon. But as you fly, forgive me if I stay the current a little when smiles and laughter and hugs and quiet and conversation and good things embrace me. I will embrace them.  Contented in this... In every snowflake every raindrop God sends splashing, dancing, greeting me on this road.

An Old Poem That Doesn't Rhyme.

Don’t forget to fall in love

If I were cupid

and sailing through the sky

I’d send an arrow through your heart

and thus, tie you

irrecoverably to all the beauties of the world

to raindrops

and birds in spring

to the smirk that turns into a smile

to long walks

and midnight talks

I’d keep you from the wolves and haters

who threaten to tare you

bit by bit

in helpless pieces. 

Never let a pair of eyes sway you

from all the hopes you hold so dear

don’t let it pass

don’t close your eyes

Look- look steadfastly

on the ugly

on the beauty

don’t let one make up for another

weigh- weigh unabashedly

let what falls short in the balance

be the determination of your choice

If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. 

Look for the gleam in 

the spirits and the hearts

look for the dash of cotton in a blue blue sky

the happy wave of branches 

in breezes that sing new melodies

New melodies

new life — too free

to fall for it anymore.

They fool you,

if they tell you people will satisfy

people will fill your heart

people break

people bash

Yes, fall in love

but not with people.

Words That Formed Themselves.

My brain is wondering

and wandering along

what this day holds

what is it's song

A gift immeasurable,

a divine responsibility

soon to be over

now about to be

spontaneity jars the system

to-do lists are a bore

what if I don't pass

even my bedroom door?

Selfishly I'll take

and clutch it to myself

my own desires

let my actions engulf

Yet the end of a matter

supersedes the beginning by far

the sun setting and regrets

reflections that char

So I'll use the day for good

beyond my comfort zone

leave my bedroom safe

won't even moan

An act of love

another of sacrifice

self discipline one

acts without price

Something to make a smile

something to remove a frown

maybe cheer the world up 

bring the international crime rate down 

throw flower petals 

out my back window

play loud Frank Sinatra 

for my dog, fido

wear puffed sleeves

shave my head

bake ketchup flavoured muffins

start a petting zoo in my shed

a copy of King Henry VIII

to my mother I'll give

tie my hair to a kite

with the winds it will live

When today is over

with satisfaction I'll smile

today I was adventurous!

"Adventure, it's been a while." 

Greater Than Good.

(I couldn't find any kind of SD card when the random urge to use the DSLR overcame me for the first time in years? so this is my attempt to be artistic.)

I am to all intents and purposes a junior in college, supposed to be going into my junior year anyways, this fall. But due to many things, mainly financial reasons, I will be staying home instead and working. When a major plan change comes up, I generally just have a "what must be done, must be done" attitude, and most of the time I don't worry about it. what is, is. This is God's plan and so everything will be okay in the end as long as I follow Him.

But, it is not always okay. I have, I have had. wretched moments when I feel pangs of loneliness like I've never felt before in my life. College life has become part of me, part of who I am, and I've made it so dear to me. Oh, the summer's all fine and dandy, to be among all those off on their own separate paths for the break. But when August ends, school begins, and everyone. all my friends, my boyfriend, the life I've been apart of, will go on... without me. Blessings on the dear ones who exclaim "I'll never forget you!" & "We'll miss you so much!" & "it won't be the same without you!". Blessings, those are sweet words. But sweet words will not, cannot change the reality that I will be living my own little life all alone, while friends will go on with their lives where I have no part.
It hurts. But I'm not here to drag you into my own self-pity.

Because, today I felt all this. it hurt. But it didn't hurt for long. You see, in my lonely spells, I have prayed to God, as being all I have. My one stay. My one presence to get me through. And I know He has the strength to do so. But, I inevitably viewed the situation thus:
My original plan was to go back to college this Fall, this is obviously the better and nicest plan. But, God's plan being for me to stay home, I will resign myself to this lesser thing. This more painful and harder and (frankly) worse plan.

Today suddenly God threw a light athwart the vision of my heart as I prayed (metaphorically speaking of course) and I realized with tears of joy that God's plan isn't only the right one... It is the best one! God becoming my only best friend isn't me settling for less. It's me being blessed with more! God's plan isn't only better in the long run... it's better right now! Being alone and having God to rely on is heaps better than a million friends by my side when God distant!

I'm glad that I'm not going back to school this Fall! This is God's plan, and I embrace it! Joyfully realizing that His strength is what I want more than any of the other things I try to take strength or joy from... Like my dear college routines and friends and mountainous skies.

"If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence:shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous:nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed."
Hebrews 12:7-13

Overcome.

Oooh guys! It's the weekend!

The weekend in the truest sense for me, and not just a word meaning "the week is coming to an end soon, just work one more day and then you'll have a little break. just a little one." But rather for the first time this Summer I have a SATURDAY off work! And Monday! The Monday happening only because half-price sales at thrift stores are kind of big deals around our house.

A plethora of time, and I'm almost lost wondering what to do with this thing I have become slightly unaccustomed to. -- spare time.

It's glorious, luxurious! I have so far gone for a bike ride, painted my toe nails, and listened to Christmas music (always necessary).

Yet. Spare time is not all in the world that makes me happy. It is not the solution to all my problems.

Ya'll (I feign association to that word, and use it very un-sincerely), I'm very thankful.
Do you, have you ever been in a phase of life that is just so hard?
Like you can feel the hardship in every breath? Somethings off, somethings missing, something, many somethings I have absolutely no power to overcome of my own?
Gracious, but I thank God for pushing me to my knees so He can give me His strength to stand again. Rather than relying on my pitiful nothingness.

Overcome? I cannot overcome. Let me tell you I've tried! Last year. the year before. overcoming is not exactly my forte. (overcoming what? I'll leave that in a hazy vagueness of the unimportant things that constitute myself and doings)
Yet!

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 
 John 16:33

"For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith."
1 John 5:4

Only when it is no longer through my strength or by my strength or for solely myself that I attempt this overcoming, may I overcome.
And it's funny how the reason you do things even changes with the changing of strength by which you do them. The whole world takes on a whole new meaning by the new meaning with which you live.

Tis what I think.
My ponderings.
Forgive me, for they are not great.

Only the sun is still kissing the trees outside my window, and the calling birds still think it a beautiful day, so perhaps, having written my little heart out, I shall go outside and like this calm evening world, smile too.

No More Me.

Folks, I am a stupid sinner.

But I have decided I am going to start writing again.
And with my words I will strive to glorify God.

Isn't it crazy how easily and smoothly we let the devil into our life? With his being a master at deception it's so hard to detect his presence. He tells us that we're perfectly fine and good enough while our relationship with God just gets colder and colder. We grasp at our standards and our great reputation to try and make up and offer these protests to our blinded minds, "Look! I'm still a great Christian!"
And it seems far too seldom when by some irregular circumstance of life God strips the devil's lies from my eyes and I see my own sin and weakness. Far too seldom!

I, being the chief among those to experience this awful cycle repeatedly. Awful, awful, because I just let it happen. Do I ever even fight to stay in God's presence? Or do I welcome unintentionally the comfort zone the devil is ready to slip me back into? Comfort is so comfortable, and yet so wrong. Only for a time will comfort be. Please, please choose your comforts carefully! Take God as your comfort, and let the world be an uncomfortable place for you! Endure and don't faint when following God is hard. His comfort is a real, true, and good thing. Compared to anything the devil has to offer!

I want to start reflecting God with my life.
No more hideous glimpses of me.

No Great Effort.

I haven't written in so long... it's kind of frustrating to force oneself to after so long. I'm not sure if I know how to formulate words right anymore. But Emilia told me I should write again, so I have decided to take her advice. Mind, I make no great effort. If fail it will pass as an easy thing, don't mind me.

I think I need to stop writing as if to an audience.

I need to write again. I do miss it so. and moments like this when my soul is soaring just ever so much above the common ground (uncommonly so) is when the tug to write o'er comes me. So here I attempt, yet with no great effort in mind. 

You know, you never really know how much you ought to do a thing till after you've done it and you become so glad. It always looks like such a dull thing to go outside where the sky is blue, when you have your computer in your lap (horrible addicting thing!). And such a useless effort to ride a bike when you've been on your feet for ten hours working. 

And yet, the glories we miss just because we paint the best of activities in such drab clothing! Grey and dull do the most invigorating and exciting adventures seem when one is predisposed to a lazy disposition. 

All this to say I'm stupid! And I just wanted to sit around looking at pictures on Instagram this evening, (begging the chilly weather as an excuse not to go for a bike ride or enjoy the day's last streams of sunshine) yet. Yet! I went for a bike ride and by the end I though the blue sky with the drifting white clouds the most beautiful and interesting thing! (much more so than Instagram) and when I got home I went round by the garden gate and sat on the trampoline and gazed at the sky some more while mom watered her garden. I was very glad I did that rather than staying inside. Think you that I would have had the spirits to write this blog post without catching it's very soul from some chance wind of this evening's outdoors? 

Like I said, no great effort. Just a bunch of words. 

A Million Lies.

Sometimes I ponder and I wonder how many of us "Christians", or even Bible college students, are more than just puppets.

they bow 
in hypocritical silence 
make show 
of a million lies

the greatest humility
on display
brought forth to be
in a prideful way

sing of joy
unbounded, free
bitterness, deep
the true reality

they preach and scream
of a Consuming Fire
with a voice asleep
to all holy desire

the Bible to be read
merely the thing to do
prayers offered
 yet in every heart untrue

rules to enforce
preeminent
love unconditional
scarcely evident

judged, condemned
each one by another
“be ye kind”
a social blunder

of a million lies
each deed and word
living “perfect” lives
outward show preferred

Stuck With You.

A year ago today

I sought to be a breeze

To go and to stray

Wherever I might please

I didn't like the feeling

Of entanglement

Continually revealing

My own estrangement

I will stay my own

Till in my soul desire will be

There by another desire sown

(Till then I am only me)

But today

My breeze becomes a breath

A sigh, as you say

"I'm stuck with you"

"I hope so"

The only stupid words

These I murmur low

They're only stupid words

To ask of you a promise

When I no promise give

Not for the lack of this

But the words to make it live

You see, "I hope so"

I hope you're stuck with me

Cause I'm stuck too, you know

Somewhat irrevocably

If You Wonder What My Confusing Brain Sounds Like.

Every day I wake up and I have a new mood that I can cling to. Sometimes it scares me, and sometimes it is a wonderful release. The angst from yesterday overnight turns over to a spirit of liberty, or sometimes the goodness I’ve been cultivating in my heart becomes fear and anxiety with a new day. Sometimes I take from my slumber a sweet solitude and forgetfulness that dreams seem to give me, but only for five minutes of the new day before I remember the problems I’d created yesterday, and I marvel myself anew at how I complicate life.

Those Dark Moods.

I have this mood. This horrible, depressed, dark mood that comes over me when I dwell too deeply upon one tiny aspect of my life and let it colour everything in shades of awfulness because “my life isn’t perfect”.

And yet. I walked outside and they were standing around on the porch, heads up, mouths open, catching snowflakes on their tongues. And the snow was the glistening magical kind that comes down in big flakes and plans to stay a while. My eyes took it in, and in the worst mood ever, I could still appreciate how beautiful it was. I can do that you know? No matter how terrible I feel, something in me observes “Oh, by the way, the world is kind of a wonderful place.” without that observation affecting my mood one ounce. As if I begrudged the world it’s beauty or something like that.

I tip toe in and out of this mood. with spirits being lifted here and there by some happy thing, and feigning the excuse of exhaustion to one and all (a very plausible excuse with how much I’ve been working this week) and let myself stew as I wait for that something that will get me out of depression. I know something will. I probably just need to sit in a room of silence and solitude for a bit and the poison will fade.

And it does. I’m actually the happiest person on earth right now! You see, the fickleness is so truly my personality, and reluctantly as I let it be! I’m listening to the happy voices and they’re making me smile!

Earlier this week… Or in fact. Before this week I hadn’t been working. And it hadn’t really bothered me, except, I knew I needed to work.. Kind of . and earn a little money. I prayed I would be able to work a little before I left, I hoped I would.
Then they did call me and I started working, and then all of the sudden I was sighing and complaining all. the. time. about the fact that I had to work! What kind of a fool am I?
I finally realized how messed up this must seem to God. I ask Him to let me work a little… And He graciously allows me to… and then I turn right around and talk about how much I dislike it! Messed up human beings of which I am the messed-upedest!
Anyways, now I am grateful as I ought to have been all along! Work is good! God is good! I am happy about the fact that I am working!

No more complaining.

Right?
Right.

Writing About What I Dare Not.

There are many things I dare not write about anymore.. Not in so many words, anyways.

Touchy subjects arise from the plaster of our floors (that we never knew were plaster) and tingle our feet, and we care too much about things we’ve never really even given a thought before… And suddenly there are many things you think and feel that you’d never express in anything so tangible as words.
And yet, that’s all I want to write about. If you know what I mean? If you get my dilemma?
Because maybe this Christmas a certain someone that I know has finally asked a certain someone else I know to be his girlfriend.. And dare I even say so much? No, and yet I do.

My mother was in an interesting mood tonight. She kept remarking on how fascinating life is, with a laugh. I have to agree… I find it hilarious. I like taking my many knowledges and opinions and the things I know have occurred and have been said and glueing together pieces of many puzzles and stories and dramas behind the scenes involved in my life and others’. It’s incredible, really!

Did you know my life can be, is, has been rather dramatic? ’tis true!
I used to scribble words on pieces of paper bemoaning the fact that I am just not the type of person people normally make friends with. “A ready smile.” being my main characteristic, one sentencing me forever to the life of a mere boring, nice acquaintance of all who come to know me.

And yet! Now! Here! Yesterday! …. If only I could tell you, and we’d laugh over it all together! But you see, I can’t. What a damper it is on one who wants to write when one can’t even say anything… not a single thing.
How am I supposed to write being able to say nothing?

Some people confuse me endlessly. (people who wish not to be friends.) Some people frustrate me endlessly. (friends who wish not to be ‘friends’) Some people I adore endlessly. (kind people.. just kind people.)
I think kindness is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. I don’t care what other issues you may have… but if you can be a kind person (truly kind, inside out) then I am pretty sure to think you’re pretty great.
Likes those sweet things that I’ve never even had a full conversation with (let alone heart-to-hearts) but who I will endlessly be ready to hug and smile and say hello to, because their beautiful heart which I’ve never seen I’m sure is there.

Have you ever just known something? Been absolutely dead-set sure of it… With no exactly certain way to explain it to other people, and they understand not…. But you know it?

I have. There are many things I feel… that I never say. And yet, they make all the difference.

Excuse me it’s midnight and please don’t read too much into what I infer here. (things can’t be said you know!) and yet there is much to be read. And words are becoming much too many and much to vague as I seek to convey that which I cannot.