Greater Than Good.

(I couldn't find any kind of SD card when the random urge to use the DSLR overcame me for the first time in years? so this is my attempt to be artistic.)

I am to all intents and purposes a junior in college, supposed to be going into my junior year anyways, this fall. But due to many things, mainly financial reasons, I will be staying home instead and working. When a major plan change comes up, I generally just have a "what must be done, must be done" attitude, and most of the time I don't worry about it. what is, is. This is God's plan and so everything will be okay in the end as long as I follow Him.

But, it is not always okay. I have, I have had. wretched moments when I feel pangs of loneliness like I've never felt before in my life. College life has become part of me, part of who I am, and I've made it so dear to me. Oh, the summer's all fine and dandy, to be among all those off on their own separate paths for the break. But when August ends, school begins, and everyone. all my friends, my boyfriend, the life I've been apart of, will go on... without me. Blessings on the dear ones who exclaim "I'll never forget you!" & "We'll miss you so much!" & "it won't be the same without you!". Blessings, those are sweet words. But sweet words will not, cannot change the reality that I will be living my own little life all alone, while friends will go on with their lives where I have no part.
It hurts. But I'm not here to drag you into my own self-pity.

Because, today I felt all this. it hurt. But it didn't hurt for long. You see, in my lonely spells, I have prayed to God, as being all I have. My one stay. My one presence to get me through. And I know He has the strength to do so. But, I inevitably viewed the situation thus:
My original plan was to go back to college this Fall, this is obviously the better and nicest plan. But, God's plan being for me to stay home, I will resign myself to this lesser thing. This more painful and harder and (frankly) worse plan.

Today suddenly God threw a light athwart the vision of my heart as I prayed (metaphorically speaking of course) and I realized with tears of joy that God's plan isn't only the right one... It is the best one! God becoming my only best friend isn't me settling for less. It's me being blessed with more! God's plan isn't only better in the long run... it's better right now! Being alone and having God to rely on is heaps better than a million friends by my side when God distant!

I'm glad that I'm not going back to school this Fall! This is God's plan, and I embrace it! Joyfully realizing that His strength is what I want more than any of the other things I try to take strength or joy from... Like my dear college routines and friends and mountainous skies.

"If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence:shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous:nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed."
Hebrews 12:7-13

Overcome.

Oooh guys! It's the weekend!

The weekend in the truest sense for me, and not just a word meaning "the week is coming to an end soon, just work one more day and then you'll have a little break. just a little one." But rather for the first time this Summer I have a SATURDAY off work! And Monday! The Monday happening only because half-price sales at thrift stores are kind of big deals around our house.

A plethora of time, and I'm almost lost wondering what to do with this thing I have become slightly unaccustomed to. -- spare time.

It's glorious, luxurious! I have so far gone for a bike ride, painted my toe nails, and listened to Christmas music (always necessary).

Yet. Spare time is not all in the world that makes me happy. It is not the solution to all my problems.

Ya'll (I feign association to that word, and use it very un-sincerely), I'm very thankful.
Do you, have you ever been in a phase of life that is just so hard?
Like you can feel the hardship in every breath? Somethings off, somethings missing, something, many somethings I have absolutely no power to overcome of my own?
Gracious, but I thank God for pushing me to my knees so He can give me His strength to stand again. Rather than relying on my pitiful nothingness.

Overcome? I cannot overcome. Let me tell you I've tried! Last year. the year before. overcoming is not exactly my forte. (overcoming what? I'll leave that in a hazy vagueness of the unimportant things that constitute myself and doings)
Yet!

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 
 John 16:33

"For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith."
1 John 5:4

Only when it is no longer through my strength or by my strength or for solely myself that I attempt this overcoming, may I overcome.
And it's funny how the reason you do things even changes with the changing of strength by which you do them. The whole world takes on a whole new meaning by the new meaning with which you live.

Tis what I think.
My ponderings.
Forgive me, for they are not great.

Only the sun is still kissing the trees outside my window, and the calling birds still think it a beautiful day, so perhaps, having written my little heart out, I shall go outside and like this calm evening world, smile too.

No More Me.

Folks, I am a stupid sinner.

But I have decided I am going to start writing again.
And with my words I will strive to glorify God.

Isn't it crazy how easily and smoothly we let the devil into our life? With his being a master at deception it's so hard to detect his presence. He tells us that we're perfectly fine and good enough while our relationship with God just gets colder and colder. We grasp at our standards and our great reputation to try and make up and offer these protests to our blinded minds, "Look! I'm still a great Christian!"
And it seems far too seldom when by some irregular circumstance of life God strips the devil's lies from my eyes and I see my own sin and weakness. Far too seldom!

I, being the chief among those to experience this awful cycle repeatedly. Awful, awful, because I just let it happen. Do I ever even fight to stay in God's presence? Or do I welcome unintentionally the comfort zone the devil is ready to slip me back into? Comfort is so comfortable, and yet so wrong. Only for a time will comfort be. Please, please choose your comforts carefully! Take God as your comfort, and let the world be an uncomfortable place for you! Endure and don't faint when following God is hard. His comfort is a real, true, and good thing. Compared to anything the devil has to offer!

I want to start reflecting God with my life.
No more hideous glimpses of me.

No Great Effort.

I haven't written in so long... it's kind of frustrating to force oneself to after so long. I'm not sure if I know how to formulate words right anymore. But Emilia told me I should write again, so I have decided to take her advice. Mind, I make no great effort. If fail it will pass as an easy thing, don't mind me.

I think I need to stop writing as if to an audience.

I need to write again. I do miss it so. and moments like this when my soul is soaring just ever so much above the common ground (uncommonly so) is when the tug to write o'er comes me. So here I attempt, yet with no great effort in mind. 

You know, you never really know how much you ought to do a thing till after you've done it and you become so glad. It always looks like such a dull thing to go outside where the sky is blue, when you have your computer in your lap (horrible addicting thing!). And such a useless effort to ride a bike when you've been on your feet for ten hours working. 

And yet, the glories we miss just because we paint the best of activities in such drab clothing! Grey and dull do the most invigorating and exciting adventures seem when one is predisposed to a lazy disposition. 

All this to say I'm stupid! And I just wanted to sit around looking at pictures on Instagram this evening, (begging the chilly weather as an excuse not to go for a bike ride or enjoy the day's last streams of sunshine) yet. Yet! I went for a bike ride and by the end I though the blue sky with the drifting white clouds the most beautiful and interesting thing! (much more so than Instagram) and when I got home I went round by the garden gate and sat on the trampoline and gazed at the sky some more while mom watered her garden. I was very glad I did that rather than staying inside. Think you that I would have had the spirits to write this blog post without catching it's very soul from some chance wind of this evening's outdoors? 

Like I said, no great effort. Just a bunch of words.