It Is 2016.

Happy New Year and Happy New Year.

I just realized that having long fancy nails makes it slightly difficult to type on my keyboard. ha hahaha. oh goodness. You know those terrible things that adults always talk about happening to them, to everyone in fact, as they get older? And you don’t worry, because you’re sure something like that would never happen to you?

Life has always held magic for me. Sometimes absolutely nothing at all can make me feel like singing and floating off on a wisp of happy clouds. And Christmas has never failed to send merry little qualms through my stomach. I’m the one who did a million summersaults in excitement and was told by my older brother I oughtn’t to get so excited because it means I’ll have a big let down.. (But I defiantly made it a practice to never listen to my older brother. ;)

And yet.. Stoicism is an easy pitfall to achieve. I feel like the joy often sought from things like Christmas and New Years is clouded and completely forgotten in the presence of so much extra stuff and hubbub. And yes, perhaps I’ve felt a little lacking in excitement this year… Or perhaps I’m just lacking the nostalgic retrospection of time having passed between me and said event that makes all my other past Christmases seem especially grand. (that sentence makes my brain hurt)

But! What am I trying to say here? I’m not sure, but if you give me a moment, I think I’ll say it.

At about 30 minutes to midnight tonight.. all the “I’m excited for 2016!”s and “Yay! A new year!”s we’ve been uttering finally became something other than a rehashed insincere exclamation from my lips. I felt it. (As wonderfully as I just felt that firework that popped off outside my window in the dark night sky.)

A whole new year… How thrilling! How thrilling friends! What happened to the Renae who held conference with the stars out her window, talking to herself and dreaming wild, not-so-wild, happy little dreams? The Renae who found a new book to be the most splendid thing in the world, keeping her pre-occupied and enraptured for days? I’m not sure exactly. I’m still her, but I want to do some of these things again. I want to aspire again… Because sometimes I just ignore even trying to do better at life because I’ve failed so many times. How incurably lazy I am! Yet I know the secret is held in never failing to try again when you fail.

So here’s to dreams, and aspirations, and hopes!
And happiness and optimism and smiles!

If its not too late, please excuse me while I go write down some new years resolutions.
Perhaps some new years prayers too.

I Have Learned.

If I were to tell you that this semester of college has been something horrible, you wouldn’t believe me, because its not true. But I couldn’t tell you that its been completely wonderful either because there have been some shades of horribleness in its blend. But just enough… Like the right amount of horribleness. As if life would spoil me if it was too nice.
I have been taught a few lessons in thankfulness this year, in gossip, in kindness. I’ve seen people for their flaws, and I’ve seen them for their virtues… Striving rather to dwell on the virtues.
I’ve heard others gossiping and belittling others for their flaws, and my heart has cried a little because yes! They have flaws, but so do I, and so do you. And horrible things could easily be said about anyone on this campus and be what they wholly deserve.. but not what we should give them. And yet, even as I hear others gossiping how often do I judge them in my heart and therefore become a hypocrite myself?
I’ve learned lessons in weakness this semester. Weakness as in begging God to make me weak so He can be strong through me.. Because my ‘strength’ only tends to failing and hurting myself and hurting others.
I’ve learned to follow and trust God, listening to that little voice that says “yes,” and that peace that spurs me on when I would in confusion say “no.” I suppose life’s not even supposed to make sense sometimes.

I’ve learned a lot of things this semester. But how many times did I fail, and therefore fail to grasp what God was teaching me in the moment? Many times, I have no doubt.
And even these things I have learned… Certainly I will have to relearn them again and again, next semester, next summer, next year. Will I ever “arrive”? Unfortunately, I think not.

But I thank God for this moment, and that I can see in this moment these lessons and hopefully retain them and their influence a little longer for having written them out.

So forgive me for bragging about what I've learned.. I certainly would not ask of you admiration, but perhaps rather have mercy on my stupidness.

God bless you, Merry Christmas.