I have this mood. This horrible, depressed, dark mood that comes over me when I dwell too deeply upon one tiny aspect of my life and let it colour everything in shades of awfulness because “my life isn’t perfect”.
And yet. I walked outside and they were standing around on the porch, heads up, mouths open, catching snowflakes on their tongues. And the snow was the glistening magical kind that comes down in big flakes and plans to stay a while. My eyes took it in, and in the worst mood ever, I could still appreciate how beautiful it was. I can do that you know? No matter how terrible I feel, something in me observes “Oh, by the way, the world is kind of a wonderful place.” without that observation affecting my mood one ounce. As if I begrudged the world it’s beauty or something like that.
I tip toe in and out of this mood. with spirits being lifted here and there by some happy thing, and feigning the excuse of exhaustion to one and all (a very plausible excuse with how much I’ve been working this week) and let myself stew as I wait for that something that will get me out of depression. I know something will. I probably just need to sit in a room of silence and solitude for a bit and the poison will fade.
And it does. I’m actually the happiest person on earth right now! You see, the fickleness is so truly my personality, and reluctantly as I let it be! I’m listening to the happy voices and they’re making me smile!
Earlier this week… Or in fact. Before this week I hadn’t been working. And it hadn’t really bothered me, except, I knew I needed to work.. Kind of . and earn a little money. I prayed I would be able to work a little before I left, I hoped I would.
Then they did call me and I started working, and then all of the sudden I was sighing and complaining all. the. time. about the fact that I had to work! What kind of a fool am I?
I finally realized how messed up this must seem to God. I ask Him to let me work a little… And He graciously allows me to… and then I turn right around and talk about how much I dislike it! Messed up human beings of which I am the messed-upedest!
Anyways, now I am grateful as I ought to have been all along! Work is good! God is good! I am happy about the fact that I am working!
No more complaining.
Right?
Right.
Thursday 21 January 2016
Wednesday 6 January 2016
Writing About What I Dare Not.
There are many things I dare not write about anymore.. Not in so many words, anyways.
Touchy subjects arise from the plaster of our floors (that we never knew were plaster) and tingle our feet, and we care too much about things we’ve never really even given a thought before… And suddenly there are many things you think and feel that you’d never express in anything so tangible as words.
And yet, that’s all I want to write about. If you know what I mean? If you get my dilemma?
Because maybe this Christmas a certain someone that I know has finally asked a certain someone else I know to be his girlfriend.. And dare I even say so much? No, and yet I do.
My mother was in an interesting mood tonight. She kept remarking on how fascinating life is, with a laugh. I have to agree… I find it hilarious. I like taking my many knowledges and opinions and the things I know have occurred and have been said and glueing together pieces of many puzzles and stories and dramas behind the scenes involved in my life and others’. It’s incredible, really!
Did you know my life can be, is, has been rather dramatic? ’tis true!
I used to scribble words on pieces of paper bemoaning the fact that I am just not the type of person people normally make friends with. “A ready smile.” being my main characteristic, one sentencing me forever to the life of a mere boring, nice acquaintance of all who come to know me.
And yet! Now! Here! Yesterday! …. If only I could tell you, and we’d laugh over it all together! But you see, I can’t. What a damper it is on one who wants to write when one can’t even say anything… not a single thing.
How am I supposed to write being able to say nothing?
Some people confuse me endlessly. (people who wish not to be friends.) Some people frustrate me endlessly. (friends who wish not to be ‘friends’) Some people I adore endlessly. (kind people.. just kind people.)
I think kindness is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. I don’t care what other issues you may have… but if you can be a kind person (truly kind, inside out) then I am pretty sure to think you’re pretty great.
Likes those sweet things that I’ve never even had a full conversation with (let alone heart-to-hearts) but who I will endlessly be ready to hug and smile and say hello to, because their beautiful heart which I’ve never seen I’m sure is there.
Have you ever just known something? Been absolutely dead-set sure of it… With no exactly certain way to explain it to other people, and they understand not…. But you know it?
I have. There are many things I feel… that I never say. And yet, they make all the difference.
Excuse me it’s midnight and please don’t read too much into what I infer here. (things can’t be said you know!) and yet there is much to be read. And words are becoming much too many and much to vague as I seek to convey that which I cannot.
Touchy subjects arise from the plaster of our floors (that we never knew were plaster) and tingle our feet, and we care too much about things we’ve never really even given a thought before… And suddenly there are many things you think and feel that you’d never express in anything so tangible as words.
And yet, that’s all I want to write about. If you know what I mean? If you get my dilemma?
Because maybe this Christmas a certain someone that I know has finally asked a certain someone else I know to be his girlfriend.. And dare I even say so much? No, and yet I do.
My mother was in an interesting mood tonight. She kept remarking on how fascinating life is, with a laugh. I have to agree… I find it hilarious. I like taking my many knowledges and opinions and the things I know have occurred and have been said and glueing together pieces of many puzzles and stories and dramas behind the scenes involved in my life and others’. It’s incredible, really!
Did you know my life can be, is, has been rather dramatic? ’tis true!
I used to scribble words on pieces of paper bemoaning the fact that I am just not the type of person people normally make friends with. “A ready smile.” being my main characteristic, one sentencing me forever to the life of a mere boring, nice acquaintance of all who come to know me.
And yet! Now! Here! Yesterday! …. If only I could tell you, and we’d laugh over it all together! But you see, I can’t. What a damper it is on one who wants to write when one can’t even say anything… not a single thing.
How am I supposed to write being able to say nothing?
Some people confuse me endlessly. (people who wish not to be friends.) Some people frustrate me endlessly. (friends who wish not to be ‘friends’) Some people I adore endlessly. (kind people.. just kind people.)
I think kindness is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. I don’t care what other issues you may have… but if you can be a kind person (truly kind, inside out) then I am pretty sure to think you’re pretty great.
Likes those sweet things that I’ve never even had a full conversation with (let alone heart-to-hearts) but who I will endlessly be ready to hug and smile and say hello to, because their beautiful heart which I’ve never seen I’m sure is there.
Have you ever just known something? Been absolutely dead-set sure of it… With no exactly certain way to explain it to other people, and they understand not…. But you know it?
I have. There are many things I feel… that I never say. And yet, they make all the difference.
Excuse me it’s midnight and please don’t read too much into what I infer here. (things can’t be said you know!) and yet there is much to be read. And words are becoming much too many and much to vague as I seek to convey that which I cannot.
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