A Million Lies.

Sometimes I ponder and I wonder how many of us "Christians", or even Bible college students, are more than just puppets.

they bow 
in hypocritical silence 
make show 
of a million lies

the greatest humility
on display
brought forth to be
in a prideful way

sing of joy
unbounded, free
bitterness, deep
the true reality

they preach and scream
of a Consuming Fire
with a voice asleep
to all holy desire

the Bible to be read
merely the thing to do
prayers offered
 yet in every heart untrue

rules to enforce
preeminent
love unconditional
scarcely evident

judged, condemned
each one by another
“be ye kind”
a social blunder

of a million lies
each deed and word
living “perfect” lives
outward show preferred

Stuck With You.

A year ago today

I sought to be a breeze

To go and to stray

Wherever I might please

I didn't like the feeling

Of entanglement

Continually revealing

My own estrangement

I will stay my own

Till in my soul desire will be

There by another desire sown

(Till then I am only me)

But today

My breeze becomes a breath

A sigh, as you say

"I'm stuck with you"

"I hope so"

The only stupid words

These I murmur low

They're only stupid words

To ask of you a promise

When I no promise give

Not for the lack of this

But the words to make it live

You see, "I hope so"

I hope you're stuck with me

Cause I'm stuck too, you know

Somewhat irrevocably

If You Wonder What My Confusing Brain Sounds Like.

Every day I wake up and I have a new mood that I can cling to. Sometimes it scares me, and sometimes it is a wonderful release. The angst from yesterday overnight turns over to a spirit of liberty, or sometimes the goodness I’ve been cultivating in my heart becomes fear and anxiety with a new day. Sometimes I take from my slumber a sweet solitude and forgetfulness that dreams seem to give me, but only for five minutes of the new day before I remember the problems I’d created yesterday, and I marvel myself anew at how I complicate life.

Those Dark Moods.

I have this mood. This horrible, depressed, dark mood that comes over me when I dwell too deeply upon one tiny aspect of my life and let it colour everything in shades of awfulness because “my life isn’t perfect”.

And yet. I walked outside and they were standing around on the porch, heads up, mouths open, catching snowflakes on their tongues. And the snow was the glistening magical kind that comes down in big flakes and plans to stay a while. My eyes took it in, and in the worst mood ever, I could still appreciate how beautiful it was. I can do that you know? No matter how terrible I feel, something in me observes “Oh, by the way, the world is kind of a wonderful place.” without that observation affecting my mood one ounce. As if I begrudged the world it’s beauty or something like that.

I tip toe in and out of this mood. with spirits being lifted here and there by some happy thing, and feigning the excuse of exhaustion to one and all (a very plausible excuse with how much I’ve been working this week) and let myself stew as I wait for that something that will get me out of depression. I know something will. I probably just need to sit in a room of silence and solitude for a bit and the poison will fade.

And it does. I’m actually the happiest person on earth right now! You see, the fickleness is so truly my personality, and reluctantly as I let it be! I’m listening to the happy voices and they’re making me smile!

Earlier this week… Or in fact. Before this week I hadn’t been working. And it hadn’t really bothered me, except, I knew I needed to work.. Kind of . and earn a little money. I prayed I would be able to work a little before I left, I hoped I would.
Then they did call me and I started working, and then all of the sudden I was sighing and complaining all. the. time. about the fact that I had to work! What kind of a fool am I?
I finally realized how messed up this must seem to God. I ask Him to let me work a little… And He graciously allows me to… and then I turn right around and talk about how much I dislike it! Messed up human beings of which I am the messed-upedest!
Anyways, now I am grateful as I ought to have been all along! Work is good! God is good! I am happy about the fact that I am working!

No more complaining.

Right?
Right.

Writing About What I Dare Not.

There are many things I dare not write about anymore.. Not in so many words, anyways.

Touchy subjects arise from the plaster of our floors (that we never knew were plaster) and tingle our feet, and we care too much about things we’ve never really even given a thought before… And suddenly there are many things you think and feel that you’d never express in anything so tangible as words.
And yet, that’s all I want to write about. If you know what I mean? If you get my dilemma?
Because maybe this Christmas a certain someone that I know has finally asked a certain someone else I know to be his girlfriend.. And dare I even say so much? No, and yet I do.

My mother was in an interesting mood tonight. She kept remarking on how fascinating life is, with a laugh. I have to agree… I find it hilarious. I like taking my many knowledges and opinions and the things I know have occurred and have been said and glueing together pieces of many puzzles and stories and dramas behind the scenes involved in my life and others’. It’s incredible, really!

Did you know my life can be, is, has been rather dramatic? ’tis true!
I used to scribble words on pieces of paper bemoaning the fact that I am just not the type of person people normally make friends with. “A ready smile.” being my main characteristic, one sentencing me forever to the life of a mere boring, nice acquaintance of all who come to know me.

And yet! Now! Here! Yesterday! …. If only I could tell you, and we’d laugh over it all together! But you see, I can’t. What a damper it is on one who wants to write when one can’t even say anything… not a single thing.
How am I supposed to write being able to say nothing?

Some people confuse me endlessly. (people who wish not to be friends.) Some people frustrate me endlessly. (friends who wish not to be ‘friends’) Some people I adore endlessly. (kind people.. just kind people.)
I think kindness is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. I don’t care what other issues you may have… but if you can be a kind person (truly kind, inside out) then I am pretty sure to think you’re pretty great.
Likes those sweet things that I’ve never even had a full conversation with (let alone heart-to-hearts) but who I will endlessly be ready to hug and smile and say hello to, because their beautiful heart which I’ve never seen I’m sure is there.

Have you ever just known something? Been absolutely dead-set sure of it… With no exactly certain way to explain it to other people, and they understand not…. But you know it?

I have. There are many things I feel… that I never say. And yet, they make all the difference.

Excuse me it’s midnight and please don’t read too much into what I infer here. (things can’t be said you know!) and yet there is much to be read. And words are becoming much too many and much to vague as I seek to convey that which I cannot.

It Is 2016.

Happy New Year and Happy New Year.

I just realized that having long fancy nails makes it slightly difficult to type on my keyboard. ha hahaha. oh goodness. You know those terrible things that adults always talk about happening to them, to everyone in fact, as they get older? And you don’t worry, because you’re sure something like that would never happen to you?

Life has always held magic for me. Sometimes absolutely nothing at all can make me feel like singing and floating off on a wisp of happy clouds. And Christmas has never failed to send merry little qualms through my stomach. I’m the one who did a million summersaults in excitement and was told by my older brother I oughtn’t to get so excited because it means I’ll have a big let down.. (But I defiantly made it a practice to never listen to my older brother. ;)

And yet.. Stoicism is an easy pitfall to achieve. I feel like the joy often sought from things like Christmas and New Years is clouded and completely forgotten in the presence of so much extra stuff and hubbub. And yes, perhaps I’ve felt a little lacking in excitement this year… Or perhaps I’m just lacking the nostalgic retrospection of time having passed between me and said event that makes all my other past Christmases seem especially grand. (that sentence makes my brain hurt)

But! What am I trying to say here? I’m not sure, but if you give me a moment, I think I’ll say it.

At about 30 minutes to midnight tonight.. all the “I’m excited for 2016!”s and “Yay! A new year!”s we’ve been uttering finally became something other than a rehashed insincere exclamation from my lips. I felt it. (As wonderfully as I just felt that firework that popped off outside my window in the dark night sky.)

A whole new year… How thrilling! How thrilling friends! What happened to the Renae who held conference with the stars out her window, talking to herself and dreaming wild, not-so-wild, happy little dreams? The Renae who found a new book to be the most splendid thing in the world, keeping her pre-occupied and enraptured for days? I’m not sure exactly. I’m still her, but I want to do some of these things again. I want to aspire again… Because sometimes I just ignore even trying to do better at life because I’ve failed so many times. How incurably lazy I am! Yet I know the secret is held in never failing to try again when you fail.

So here’s to dreams, and aspirations, and hopes!
And happiness and optimism and smiles!

If its not too late, please excuse me while I go write down some new years resolutions.
Perhaps some new years prayers too.

I Have Learned.

If I were to tell you that this semester of college has been something horrible, you wouldn’t believe me, because its not true. But I couldn’t tell you that its been completely wonderful either because there have been some shades of horribleness in its blend. But just enough… Like the right amount of horribleness. As if life would spoil me if it was too nice.
I have been taught a few lessons in thankfulness this year, in gossip, in kindness. I’ve seen people for their flaws, and I’ve seen them for their virtues… Striving rather to dwell on the virtues.
I’ve heard others gossiping and belittling others for their flaws, and my heart has cried a little because yes! They have flaws, but so do I, and so do you. And horrible things could easily be said about anyone on this campus and be what they wholly deserve.. but not what we should give them. And yet, even as I hear others gossiping how often do I judge them in my heart and therefore become a hypocrite myself?
I’ve learned lessons in weakness this semester. Weakness as in begging God to make me weak so He can be strong through me.. Because my ‘strength’ only tends to failing and hurting myself and hurting others.
I’ve learned to follow and trust God, listening to that little voice that says “yes,” and that peace that spurs me on when I would in confusion say “no.” I suppose life’s not even supposed to make sense sometimes.

I’ve learned a lot of things this semester. But how many times did I fail, and therefore fail to grasp what God was teaching me in the moment? Many times, I have no doubt.
And even these things I have learned… Certainly I will have to relearn them again and again, next semester, next summer, next year. Will I ever “arrive”? Unfortunately, I think not.

But I thank God for this moment, and that I can see in this moment these lessons and hopefully retain them and their influence a little longer for having written them out.

So forgive me for bragging about what I've learned.. I certainly would not ask of you admiration, but perhaps rather have mercy on my stupidness.

God bless you, Merry Christmas.